


Five times in his life Yoda walked in on people and promptly walked out. Once….

by wrennette



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-06 00:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11024961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrennette/pseuds/wrennette
Summary: What it says on the tin. Crack fic.





	Five times in his life Yoda walked in on people and promptly walked out. Once….

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Tree Relations](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10775691) by [bluedragoninamber](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluedragoninamber/pseuds/bluedragoninamber). 



> I read bluedragoninamber's [Tree Relations](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10775691) and couldn't help but imagine how very many people Yoda has walked in on in his very long life and how utterly done he must be. And that made me giggle, and then I wrote this. With apologies.

### One: Jan Dooku, Sifo Dyas and Jocasta Nu

Humming softly, the venerable Jedi Master Yoda slipped through the tall shrubberies dotting the Room of a Thousand Fountains. A hundred or more voices reverberated softly under the crashing of the many water features inundating the massive courtyard in white noise. The Living Force practically pulsed with the consolidated strength of so many plants and beings sharing the same space. 

It was a favourite location for many Jedi, and sometimes it was difficult for Yoda to find a place where he could be alone. He was fairly certain he had found a spot though. An old tree, twisted and gnarled, curled in such a way that it formed a cool, dim hollow among its low spreading branches, and the upper limbs wept down, veiling the space in shadows. In there, Yoda thought, no one would bother him with their many troubles. Jedi might come to serve, but he very much wanted to take two minutes to himself every so often. Quietly ambling up to the ground brushing leaves, Yoda used his walking stick to sweep them aside. 

The dim space beneath the veiling branches very much was not free. His own recently Knighted Padawan, Jan Dooku knelt between two friends, his face buried between Jocasta Nu’s long slender legs, Sifo Dyas driving into him from behind. Yoda goggled for a moment in sheer shock. Jan made a strangled noise of pleasure, and Jocasta hurriedly stuffed her hand into her mouth to stifle a shriek as Jan’s vocalization triggered her orgasm. Sifo just grunted and began to thrust even faster into Jan. Yoda hurriedly let the leaves drop back down and tottered away. 

“Mention this, I _will_ not,” Yoda grumbled, tottering away hurriedly. A bench. Out in the open. Yes, that sounded like a wonderful idea.

### Two: Mace Windu and Plo Koon

“It pleases me to see you again,” Yoda heard in the familiar deep tones of the newly raised Master of the Order, Mace Windu, as he entered the arid gardens. The dry climate area wasn’t as well visited as some of the other gardens, and Yoda had taken to walking there when he wanted some time for quiet contemplation. And it usually _was_ quiet. Rarely was anyone else there. 

Mace was a circumspect young man though, Yoda anticipated that he would not be bothered. And he did not mind sharing the space. He rounded the stand of palo verde planted at the perimeter of the space and stepped out onto the fine sand of the graded paths. Mace walked with Plo Koon, one of his crechemates. Good, Yoda thought, it was well that the young Councillor maintained connections with his agemates. 

“As I too am pleased,” Plo returned, his voice rasping slightly through the mask he wore to modify the air he breathed so it didn’t harm him. “And I am pleased also to congratulate you.”

“Please don’t,” Mace said, a thread of wear in his voice. “I cannot bear it if my promotion changes things between us Plo.” 

“It changes nothing,” Plo said firmly, and then he had Mace pushed against one of the large boulders that dotted the courtyard, embracing him tightly. 

“Plo,” Mace practically gasped. “Anyone could see!”

“No one comes here,” Plo said dismissively, and then with a soft thump Mace’s utility belt hit the ground. “Besides, I thought you liked when I was spontaneous? I promised I am unchanged,” Plo teased, and Mace groaned deeply, the movement of Plo’s arm indicating the placement of his hand. Yoda decided that was a good time to leave. Perhaps the water gardens would be quieter.

### Three: Qui-Gon Jinn and Tahl

“We shouldn’t be in here,” a soft voice whispered, rousing Yoda from his contemplation.

“Come on, live a little,” a deeper voice encouraged just as quietly. That voice, Yoda knew well. Qui-Gon Jinn, his own grandpadawan. A good boy, if a bit reckless. Which was likely why he was sneaking through the section of the archives restricted to Masters despite being only a Padawan. A senior Padawan yes, and one who would likely be Knighted within the next few years, a proud legacy of Yoda’s line. But a Padawan still. 

“Just because my new codes _can_ get us in really doesn’t mean we _should_ be here,” the first voice said with a slight giggle, and that was enough for Yoda to identify the speaker. Tahl, Qui-Gon’s best friend. A tall, Noorian girl with a level head on her shoulders. Except perhaps for where Qui-Gon and her other friends were concerned. 

“And where else will we get some privacy?” Qui-Gon asked, his voice shifting from quiet to husky. “Your Master is in your quarters, and my Master is in mine. No one comes here this late,” he wheedled. Tahl moaned loudly, and Yoda’s ears flicked back as he understood their desire for privacy. Hormones. Bah. He was almost done with his reading anyway. 

Leaving his reading materials to be shelved, Yoda hopped down from his seat and headed towards the exit. He let his walking stick tap loudly as he went, and after a moment or two, there was a rash of quiet cursing and the rustling of clothes. He hummed softly. Vengeance might not be the Jedi way, but there was no restriction against pettiness.

### Four: Kit Fisto and Bant Eerin

Yoda drifted contentedly in light meditation. It involved a bit of swimming and the rocky outcrop wasn’t the most comfortable place he’d ever planted himself, but he was fairly sure there was no where in his sight lines his rather naughty Padawans _(and they were all his Padawans, even the ones he hadn’t personally trained, even the ones who had been accorded the title Master for years)_ could shame him with their overzealous affections. 

The water gardens were more popular than the arid gardens, although not as well visited as the Room of a Thousand Fountains. Most of the visitors were were members of aquatic or amphibious species, and they came to swim rather walk the meagre pathways. He could feel the presences of quite a few of them beneath the surface, swimming and playing in the watery depths, chased by shoals of fish raised for consumption in the Temple commissary. 

Slowly Yoda deepened his meditation, broadening his connection to the Living Force that surrounded him. His mind brushed the living essences of the little insects that buzzed over the water and the small fish at the surface, larvae of insects and amphibians alike, the biomass of aquatic plants, and a little further away, two sentient minds belonging to two aquatic or perhaps amphibious Jedi. Yoda ignored them, turning his mind back to fish and frogs and the reeds and lilies and algae that grew around him. A little sound of contentment escaped his mouth. Peace at last. 

Yoda meditated for a little while longer, simply enjoying the deep connection with the Force. The longer he meditated though, the stronger the inkling of something - he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. The Force was warning him, but it was not of danger. Slowly, he surfaced. Someone was splashing quite enthusiastically nearby. Was there danger after all?

Ears flying up, Yoda stood quickly and turned, then _eeped_ quietly in dismay before cocking his head slightly as the blood rushed to his face. That - that was _not_ the intended use of a Nautolan’s head tentacles. Kit Fisto was certainly creative, but Yoda wasn’t quite sure he approved. _Nope_ Yoda decided even as he recognized the salmon pink flippers of the being whose upper half was underwater as belonging to Bant Eerin. How Master Fisto and Knight Eerin celebrated her advancement in rank was entirely up to them now that the restrictions against Master-Padawan relationships were no longer relevant to their situation. He dove into the water and swam with speed for the far bank.

### Five: Luminara Unduli and Shaak Ti

Soft giggling filled the air as Yoda walked through the tall grasses of the savannah gardens. The air was warm and dry, and it sounded like someone was getting some exercise. Good. This war was stealing the joy of so many. It did Yoda’s weary heart well to hear those sounds of quiet joy. The giggles cut off, replaced with even softer whispering. Children, he thought, and shook his head. 

The savannahs were a favorite of the younglings, giving them space to run and play. Although at this late hour he was surprised anyone else was present. The younglings out to all be in the refectory having their last meals of the day or resting in their beds. But others too came here to walk, and perhaps someone was happily reenacting the games of their youth. A bit of silliness never hurt anyone. Yoda debated going before he was seen; much to his dismay, once his children became Padawans they seemed to think his presence restricted them from having any fun at all, and they attempted ill fitting solemnity. 

Parting the grasses, Yoda stopped short, and sighed. Luminara Unduli lay sprawled in the grass, her headdress removed and long robes spread around her. Shaak Ti was perched atop her like a giant hunting cat, stripped to her form fitting dark leggings and a binder around her chest to keep everything there in place. Master Ti looked over, large blue eyes catching what little light there was and reflecting it back. She bared her long, sharp teeth into a feral smile, lekku twitching. 

It took a moment for Yoda to piece it together, and then he backed up quickly, letting the grass screen him from their presence. Togruta liked to hunt for their mates, and it seemed Master Ti had found hers. Master Unduli hadn’t looked the least bit displeased either. Hoping the presence of a willing mate meant that Master Ti was disinclined to hunt further, Yoda turned and made haste back to the entrance.

### And One: Leia Organa and Han Solo

The world dissolved around him, and for the first time in years, Yoda was without pain. He had trained his last apprentice, and the Force had finally agreed to take him. The psychic pain of losing all his children save a handful had nearly undone the ancient Master, and he had wanted, for a little while, to die with them, to join them union with the Force. But there had been so much left to do, and for all he trusted young Obi-Wan, it would have been unfair to leave him alone in such a darkened galaxy. 

So Yoda held on, until he was the last Jedi save one. One who would rebuild their order. Luke would make mistakes, Yoda was certain, but hopefully he would make his own mistakes, rather than repeating the missteps of the Order that had died on the day of his birth. Now though, Yoda reached out with unmitigated joy, reveling in oneness with the Force. 

_Welcome, welcome, welcome_ other presences murmured, the undercurrent that could only be the Force itself echoing the sense of homecoming. In the years since his own passing into the Force, Qui-Gon had taught Yoda the method of retaining consciousness even while attaining oneness with the Force, and so he appeared in a broad golden plane, luminous but indistinct shapes whirling and tumbling around him. Two decipherable presences there were, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, and they smiled warmly, bowing in welcome. 

“Welcome home Master Yoda,” Obi-Wan greeted warmly. Yoda hurried over, and as he approached, Obi-Wan knelt. They embraced, Obi-Wan bowing over Yoda’s small but spritely form. 

“Good it is, to see you again,” Yoda admitted, squeezing his great-grand-Padawan tightly. 

“And you Master Yoda,” Obi-Wan said sincerely. “I know we have conversed a great deal these past few years, but it is nice to see you in person as it were.” Yoda chuckled softly, and pulled away to pat Obi-Wan on the head in benediction. 

“Our Padawan?” Yoda asked, and even before Obi-Wan answered the Force did, showing him Luke. And the girl, Leia. Even as he watched, Yoda sensed another presence in the Force, distinct like Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. He wasn’t surprised when he looked up to see young Skywalker, although he _hmmphd_ quietly in disapproval. Judgement was not his to undertake though; the Force worked as the Force willed. It didn’t seem like it had been that long though. He turned outward again. 

“Enough!” Yoda cried in distress as he overlooked the intimate reunion of Leia Skywalker and Han Solo. “Too many years I see all these children making children. Enough!” and with that, he dispersed wholly into the Force. Hormonal children. Bah. He’d had enough. Who needed consciousness anyway.


End file.
